The Kentucky Journey

We are newlyweds who moved across the country, and are enjoying life in a place we never thought we'd be…Kentucky.

Trust October 5, 2009

Filed under: Anxiety — abbybernd @ 1:09 am

Patience is not one of my strengths. I sit here wanting to know what will happen in my future. I want to know it all now. I forget that life is not an open book. I have to sit back and trust everything will be okay.

Easier said than done. How do I stop myself from worrying? Worrying is second nature to me. The door could be unlocked,  I could be late for work and I could have more miscarriages. That is so scary to me, the unpredictability of life.  There is nothing I can do about it though. I do not know the future and that’s okay.

I do know that good things will happen in my future and bad things will happen too. I also know that through it all I will be okay. I can get through it all.

Since I trust that I am going to be okay, I can relax a little.  Living in the past or the future doesn’t help me. All is does is make me more stressed out. So I am going to try to live in the moment and take in life! What it will take is a little trust…

 

The Icky Doctor July 14, 2009

Filed under: Anxiety,grief — abbybernd @ 2:43 am
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Today was a hard day. I woke up early to go to the dreadful doctor. I was filled with nerves.

I sat in the waiting room and couldn’t help but feel nauseous. The last time I had an OB doctors appointment my heart broke and I will forever have anxiety in those offices.

I waited for almost an hour in the waiting room and finally got called back, where I waited even more.

It was torture! All of the waiting tested my patience. I took deeps breaths and got through it all.

In the middle of the appointment the nurse came in and talked to me. She asked me how I was handling everything. I said I was just trying to recover from losing Dominic. Then she said something I will always remember, I don’t think you’ll ever recover.

At first I thought what she said was cold.  I was kind of shocked that she didn’t say something like you’ll get through this. Then her words resonated in me. I won’t ever be the way I was before Dominic. I am forever changed because of that loss. I won’t ever be back to the way I was, and that’s okay.

 

Waiting July 7, 2009

Filed under: Anxiety — abbybernd @ 2:09 am
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People getting cut off by reckless drivers. Cars zooming through red lights. Tailgators galore. I feel this same impatience brew inside of me as I drive home.

There are so many things up in the air in my life right now that impatience seems normal. The unknown is all around me.

It is unknown when I will be pregnant again. I feel restless and want to have a baby right away, but I know there is a lesson in all of this. I need to learn to take a step back and take a deep breath. Relax for awhile, let myself heal a bit.

It is also unknown what job I will find. I search, looking for jobs that would be good for me. I want to figure it all out right now.  I want to snap my fingers and have a great job. If only life worked that way!

I feel like an impatient driver. I want to get where I want to go now. I am honking my horn and reving the gas pedal. I want to know all of the answers.

I hope through all of this sadness I have been through I learn how to deal with the waiting game that is inevitable in life.

 

And the panic begins… June 18, 2009

Filed under: Anxiety,grief,Pregnancy and moving — abbybernd @ 6:18 am
Tags: ,

We returned home after a one day stay at the hospital- that felt like weeks. We just wanted to pass out on our bed and dream it all away, but unfortunately that couldn’t happen.

Our house was filled with boxes, piled high. Books, brooms and random useless objects were around the house. The reality of all we had to do before we left hit us but instead of working we slept some of our sorrows away- and boy did it feel good!

We went out to dinner at a North Bend favorite of ours, Jayberry’s. We sat at the busy restaurant, ate salads and talked about all we needed to do. Pots and pans needed to be packed. The car needed to be filled. Garbage needed to be thrown out. I wondered if we could get it all done and I felt overwhelmed.

The days went by, and things slowly got done. The house was empty and we moved ourselves and our pets to the hotel. I laid down on the not so comfortable feather bed and took a much needed nap. I woke up feeling feverish, and realized we had packed the thermomter. I assummed my sweat was because of a fever. I got scared.

The doctor told me that fever after child birth can be a sign of an infection. I was told to call the doctor if I ran a fever over 100. I went to call her and realized I was out of breath. I remembered that I was also told that I had a risk of blood clots. I struggled more for my breath. I didn’t know what was wrong but I was scared. I panicked.

We sped to Overlake Hospital and as I walked in the doors, I realized that my illness might not be real. It could all be in my head. In the back of my mind all I knew was something could be wrong and that scared me.

The emergency room moved so slow. There was no sense of urgencey which seemed ludacris. I could be dying. My blood pressure was not surprisingly through the roof and I couldn’t stop thinking.

What if something happens to me? What if I can never have children? What if Chris can’t handle seeing me freak out like this? What if I loss him? The what if’s took over and that is when I knew for sure I was in a panic attack.

Sweet nurses helped calm me down. They reassured me that after all I’d been through in the last few days, a panic attack was a normal response. It all made sense to me. I let the tears come.  Tears for losing a child I wanted so much. Tears for leaving my family. Tears for moving away from a place that I love. I looked at Chris and had tears for if he could stand by me, even when I was a mess.

I took a deep breath and tried to quiet all of the worries. It was at that moment that I realized that my brain never stops. I am always thinking about something, instead of taking life in. That is no way for me to treat myself. I deserve to be happy and not always thinking about what could be.

After a horrible night sleep I awoke to an angry husband- never a good thing. All of that big fuss last night for nothing. I tried to explain the panic to him, but it wasn’t like anything he’d seen before. He got angry and I got angry because he didn’t understand me. The anger felt good, like a release and I just let it come. We both got a lot of emotions out that day and started a process we had overlooked because of the move. Grief.