The Kentucky Journey

We are newlyweds who moved across the country, and are enjoying life in a place we never thought we'd be…Kentucky.

And the panic begins… June 18, 2009

Filed under: Anxiety,grief,Pregnancy and moving — abbybernd @ 6:18 am
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We returned home after a one day stay at the hospital- that felt like weeks. We just wanted to pass out on our bed and dream it all away, but unfortunately that couldn’t happen.

Our house was filled with boxes, piled high. Books, brooms and random useless objects were around the house. The reality of all we had to do before we left hit us but instead of working we slept some of our sorrows away- and boy did it feel good!

We went out to dinner at a North Bend favorite of ours, Jayberry’s. We sat at the busy restaurant, ate salads and talked about all we needed to do. Pots and pans needed to be packed. The car needed to be filled. Garbage needed to be thrown out. I wondered if we could get it all done and I felt overwhelmed.

The days went by, and things slowly got done. The house was empty and we moved ourselves and our pets to the hotel. I laid down on the not so comfortable feather bed and took a much needed nap. I woke up feeling feverish, and realized we had packed the thermomter. I assummed my sweat was because of a fever. I got scared.

The doctor told me that fever after child birth can be a sign of an infection. I was told to call the doctor if I ran a fever over 100. I went to call her and realized I was out of breath. I remembered that I was also told that I had a risk of blood clots. I struggled more for my breath. I didn’t know what was wrong but I was scared. I panicked.

We sped to Overlake Hospital and as I walked in the doors, I realized that my illness might not be real. It could all be in my head. In the back of my mind all I knew was something could be wrong and that scared me.

The emergency room moved so slow. There was no sense of urgencey which seemed ludacris. I could be dying. My blood pressure was not surprisingly through the roof and I couldn’t stop thinking.

What if something happens to me? What if I can never have children? What if Chris can’t handle seeing me freak out like this? What if I loss him? The what if’s took over and that is when I knew for sure I was in a panic attack.

Sweet nurses helped calm me down. They reassured me that after all I’d been through in the last few days, a panic attack was a normal response. It all made sense to me. I let the tears come.  Tears for losing a child I wanted so much. Tears for leaving my family. Tears for moving away from a place that I love. I looked at Chris and had tears for if he could stand by me, even when I was a mess.

I took a deep breath and tried to quiet all of the worries. It was at that moment that I realized that my brain never stops. I am always thinking about something, instead of taking life in. That is no way for me to treat myself. I deserve to be happy and not always thinking about what could be.

After a horrible night sleep I awoke to an angry husband- never a good thing. All of that big fuss last night for nothing. I tried to explain the panic to him, but it wasn’t like anything he’d seen before. He got angry and I got angry because he didn’t understand me. The anger felt good, like a release and I just let it come. We both got a lot of emotions out that day and started a process we had overlooked because of the move. Grief.

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Good-bye sweet Dominic June 17, 2009

Filed under: Pregnancy and moving — abbybernd @ 1:01 am
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We have been planning the move to Kentucky for the past 6 weeks- which is not long enough! It is amazing what can happen in such a short period of time. In that six weeks we have put our house on the market, got our house packed up and are in the process of saying good-bye to all our of wonderful friends and family.

Those were all of the expected things we did before a move. Then there are the surprises that life throws at you.

We were so excited to be expecting a baby boy. He was going to be born 2 months after we moved to Lexington. We couldn’t wait to raise a little southern gentleman! We couldn’t wait to be parents.

We went in to my wonderful OB’s office– I am telling you Evergreen Hospital in Kirkland, Washington is the most welcoming hospital I have ever been to. It was to be my routine 28 week appointment. It was anything but routine.

The appointment started with an ultrasound, becuase the doctor had noticed before that our sweet little boy was tiny. It really isn’t that suprising, given I am 4 foot 11 and my husband is 5 foot 6! Our doc just wanted to make sure he was growing okay and my placenta was working properly.

I took a deep breath and held my husband’s rough hand. I laid back on the papered chair and waited to see my son. Warm goop was spread all over my belly and hell- I mean the ultrasound began.

We saw him on the screen right away. I noticed immediately that he wasn’t moving around a ton like he was in the last ultrasound. I asked the ultrasound technician if it was normal that his head wasn’t perfectly round– expecting her to say of course it’s normal! I was all wrong.

She said the most heart breaking words. There is no heartbeat. Disbielf and denial consumed me. I squeezed Chris’ hand even tighter. The technician continued to take pictures of our dead son and my husband asked if we could listen for a heart beat.

I Squeezed Chris’ hand with both of my small hands and laid there in shock. Our little boy was gone.

Two days later I went into Evergreen hospital for the most painful experience of my life. I lay in the hospital bed with my gown on– which had holes in it for breastfeeding. All I could think was I wouldn’t be needing those. I met my nurse Julie and immediately was at ease she was so sweet and wanted us to grieve this loss. I didn’t know how to do that, but I would find out.

I got checked and was still only one centimeter. The doctor put in medicine to make labor come. Six hours later, the pain hit. Unexplainable pain every minute and all I could say was the epidural is not working! The nurse checked me and I had somehow made it to 10 centimeters. The pressure was overwhelming.

In came the doctor after a very long 20 min. She brooke my water– which felt so good! And the pushing of my son began– and it was harder than I could have ever imagined.

Physically, pushing wasn’t that hard. The baby was only a pound and a half and his body left me easily. Emotionally I didn’t want him to leave me. I didn’t want him to be dead. It all hit me like a ton of bricks. I am going to push out a dead baby. I wanted him to live. I wanted to be his mom and help guide him through life- and that was all dead.

Out he came, and I realized I was a mom. I had been told to hold the baby, and after he came out I wasn’t quite ready. I knew he was lifeless and I didn’t know if I could handle it. Then my motherly instincts took over and I asked for my son.

He was so tiny in my arms. Like a doll. I was scared I would break him. I peeked at his hair- and noticed dark kinky hair- just like my Dad’s and my own. I stroked his head and felt connected to my son. I didn’t want to let him go, but I knew I had to. I put him in my husbands arms and we both agreed he was cute. He looked like an adorable tiny baby and he was ours. I wanted to be a mom so much and I was. He will always be my baby boy and I wish I got to know him more.