We returned home after a one day stay at the hospital- that felt like weeks. We just wanted to pass out on our bed and dream it all away, but unfortunately that couldn’t happen.
Our house was filled with boxes, piled high. Books, brooms and random useless objects were around the house. The reality of all we had to do before we left hit us but instead of working we slept some of our sorrows away- and boy did it feel good!
We went out to dinner at a North Bend favorite of ours, Jayberry’s. We sat at the busy restaurant, ate salads and talked about all we needed to do. Pots and pans needed to be packed. The car needed to be filled. Garbage needed to be thrown out. I wondered if we could get it all done and I felt overwhelmed.
The days went by, and things slowly got done. The house was empty and we moved ourselves and our pets to the hotel. I laid down on the not so comfortable feather bed and took a much needed nap. I woke up feeling feverish, and realized we had packed the thermomter. I assummed my sweat was because of a fever. I got scared.
The doctor told me that fever after child birth can be a sign of an infection. I was told to call the doctor if I ran a fever over 100. I went to call her and realized I was out of breath. I remembered that I was also told that I had a risk of blood clots. I struggled more for my breath. I didn’t know what was wrong but I was scared. I panicked.
We sped to Overlake Hospital and as I walked in the doors, I realized that my illness might not be real. It could all be in my head. In the back of my mind all I knew was something could be wrong and that scared me.
The emergency room moved so slow. There was no sense of urgencey which seemed ludacris. I could be dying. My blood pressure was not surprisingly through the roof and I couldn’t stop thinking.
What if something happens to me? What if I can never have children? What if Chris can’t handle seeing me freak out like this? What if I loss him? The what if’s took over and that is when I knew for sure I was in a panic attack.
Sweet nurses helped calm me down. They reassured me that after all I’d been through in the last few days, a panic attack was a normal response. It all made sense to me. I let the tears come. Tears for losing a child I wanted so much. Tears for leaving my family. Tears for moving away from a place that I love. I looked at Chris and had tears for if he could stand by me, even when I was a mess.
I took a deep breath and tried to quiet all of the worries. It was at that moment that I realized that my brain never stops. I am always thinking about something, instead of taking life in. That is no way for me to treat myself. I deserve to be happy and not always thinking about what could be.
After a horrible night sleep I awoke to an angry husband- never a good thing. All of that big fuss last night for nothing. I tried to explain the panic to him, but it wasn’t like anything he’d seen before. He got angry and I got angry because he didn’t understand me. The anger felt good, like a release and I just let it come. We both got a lot of emotions out that day and started a process we had overlooked because of the move. Grief.