The Kentucky Journey

We are newlyweds who moved across the country, and are enjoying life in a place we never thought we'd be…Kentucky.

Our Spoiled, Wonderful Pets! February 27, 2010

Filed under: dogs,grief — abbybernd @ 6:46 am
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Through all of the things Chris and I have been through there has been a constant. As sappy as this sounds this constant is our pets.

When we didn’t want to get up in the morning, we had a smiling face (those of you who know Scarlett know her smile!) begging us to get out of bed and face the day. It has eight long months since we lost Dominic and Scarlett has been by our side trying to make us happy the whole time. She is full of energy and life, and it’s contagious.

Happy Dog!

Scarlett has helped remind to just be happy. Her attitude is one we can all learn from! Just enjoy life.  That isn’t always easy for most of us. With the stress of jobs, and life it is easy to forget the positives.

For me, there has been a lot of work related stress lately. I come home and I immediately feel a weight lifted off of me. I see my adorable animals and I forget about my horrible day.  Some how cats and dogs lower my stress. Playing with them and petting them helps me  not take everything so seriously. It helps me be calm.

It just amazes me how two little furry creatures have really enriched my life. It makes me really excited to have kids one day. I can only imagine how much they will add to my life and all I will learn from them.


July 19, 2009

Filed under: grief,Uncategorized — abbybernd @ 10:34 pm

Saturday was quite a day. We went to the “Kentucky Rockies.” They were beautiful, but no colorado rockies! All of the mountains were covered with deciduous trees. I am sure it is gorgeous in the fall, with the orange, red and yellow leaves taking over the hills. We will have to come back in October to see the beautiful colors for ourselves.

The whole time we were driving and looking at beautiful scenery, my head was somewhere else. We got Dominic’s ashes in the mail earlier that day. And the sadness I had when we recieved the ashes stayed with me all day. I stayed in my head during the drive and hike we went on. I felt angry, sad and a little sick to my stomach.

I went to bed early, still filled with emotions. I slept soundly. All of my feelings through out the day exhausted me. This morning I woke up refreshed.

The ashes are in a wood box on our mantle. I get sad when I glance at the box, but that won’t change. Something horrible happenend, I have every right to be sad! I am just glad I can still enjoy the beauty of life… be that the Kentucky Rockies, my sleeping puppy or old photographs. There are so many things to smile about!


Unpacking Baggage July 17, 2009

Filed under: grief,moving — abbybernd @ 9:43 pm
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When you move you end up finding lots of things from your past. This is fun for awhile, then it becomes difficult.

I have gone through old pictures, cards and notes aplenty. These are all mementos of my childhood. It takes me right back. It is sometimes fun. I’ll find a card from a friend and it will remind of a wonderful friendship I had as a child. It will remind me Hello Kitty, Nintendo and hanging out friends.

Other things I find aren’t so easy for me to deal with. Packed in with the box I was going through today were cards for my Mom. She was in the hospital with Leukemia and during that time she received many notes. It reminds me of all of the people who loved her. She was so cared about. It makes me sad that not only I had to lose her, but all of the other people who she meant so much to had to lose her as well. So much pain.

All and all it is difficult unpacking baggage. It reminds you of times gone and mistakes made. If only there were warnings on the boxes that contain the difficult stuff. Like, Danger bad memories triggered in this box for the spare bedroom!

I will get through it all and start making new memories in Kentucky. Even so, all of the boxes in my house will remind me of times past- both happy and sad. I guess that’s life! Scarlett on the bed we unpacked and put together yesterday.


The Icky Doctor July 14, 2009

Filed under: Anxiety,grief — abbybernd @ 2:43 am
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Today was a hard day. I woke up early to go to the dreadful doctor. I was filled with nerves.

I sat in the waiting room and couldn’t help but feel nauseous. The last time I had an OB doctors appointment my heart broke and I will forever have anxiety in those offices.

I waited for almost an hour in the waiting room and finally got called back, where I waited even more.

It was torture! All of the waiting tested my patience. I took deeps breaths and got through it all.

In the middle of the appointment the nurse came in and talked to me. She asked me how I was handling everything. I said I was just trying to recover from losing Dominic. Then she said something I will always remember, I don’t think you’ll ever recover.

At first I thought what she said was cold.  I was kind of shocked that she didn’t say something like you’ll get through this. Then her words resonated in me. I won’t ever be the way I was before Dominic. I am forever changed because of that loss. I won’t ever be back to the way I was, and that’s okay.


A New Dream July 1, 2009

Filed under: grief — abbybernd @ 1:12 am

I have always had reoccurring dreams. When I was little I would always dream that I was at school in my pajamas. In my dream, I would look down horrified to find my green and white stripped Bloomingdale’s pajamas and of all things- my ugly cowboy boots on my feet. I would then panic in my dream and shortly after wake up.

Years later I had another reoccurring dream. I was enrolled in either high school or college and takes classes. At the end of my dream I would always realise that I had forgotten one of my classes, and I had done none of the work for that class. I would wake up feeling so relieved!

More recently I have dreamt over and over again of St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands. Chris’ and I had our honeymoon there and I loved it. The white sand beaches, turquoise water– it was gorgeous! I think it really had an impact on me because for months I dreamt of this beautiful place.

In my dream, we would be boating from Island to Island in the Caribbean. Not much would happen in that dream, but it always took place in St. Thomas and boats were always involved.

Now since Dominic, I have had another reoccurring dream. I keep dreaming that I am pregnant again and giving birth. I won’t go into gory details, but it is very similar to my birth experience with Dominic.

I am in labor at a hospital and I am not in too much pain- wouldn’t that be a dream! As labor progresses I finally push the baby out. And to my relief the baby cries. Then I wake up.

This dream gives me hope. Hope that one day my dream of being a Mom can come dream. I can’t wait for that day to come. But until then, I am just taking it one dream and one day at a time!


The Good Day June 27, 2009

Filed under: grief — abbybernd @ 3:42 am

Today was a good day. I drove in Kentucky for the first time and it was an adventure. I made many wrong turns and at times had no idea where I was, but I didn’t mind. The main road in Lexington is called Circle Road and it is just that, a circle. So you will eventually end up where you started if you don’t turn off the road. Let’s just say I drove around the circle a couple of times! If it’s true that you have to get a little lost to know where you going, pretty soon I will know my way around Lexington very well.

As long as I have cell phone and a full tank of gas I am okay with getting lost. I can look up directions on my phone, or call my husband frantically and get back on my way.  I guess I just always know deep down inside that everything is going to be alright. I know I will find my way.

After my driving escapades I was tired and sought comfort in the air conditioned hotel room for a while. I had a little nap and woke up feeling rested . For the first time  since I lost the baby I felt like I wanted to go out and enjoying myself. I felt like getting all dressed up and wearing make up. I felt like life really does go on.

My husband and I went to dinner then a movie. We held hands and laughed. We watched The Hangover and sipped our drinks. Things weren’t the same as they were but they were wonderful.

At the end of this happy day I am excited about tomorrow. I don’t know how it will be but I know everything will be okay.


Healing June 25, 2009

Filed under: grief — abbybernd @ 11:51 pm

It has been 12 long days since I lost the baby. I wake up every morning and go to bed every night knowing that life goes on, but still missing the baby dearly.

I go through the day, and have many happy moments. I’ll even get so caught up in the move that for one second I will forget it all happened.

Then I touch my tummy and it all comes back to me. I remember my sister Dori touching tummy and swearing she felt a limb. I remember talking to my baby. I remember always having him with me.

Now my protruding belly is going away. When I feel my stomach it doesn’t feel right. It’s not supposed to be empty.

Even though emotionally I am still healing, my body is already back to normal. I feel just like I did before only a lot has changed. It reminds me that I lived through it all  and I am okay.

It’s like the huge thunderstorm that just minutes ago soaked and rattled the ground.   It has now passed and the sun is peaking our from behind the clouds. Life is amazing. There are ups and downs, and at times all we can do is sit back and let the storm pass.